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AT THE BUFFET.

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From "Fun." AT THE BUFFET. BARMAIDBN (to Customer): Will you have your bitter beer in a tankard ? THIRSTY ONE: Well, miss, if its all the same to you, I feel that dry I should like it in a tank! SCRIMSWIG tried to wind up the dining-room timepiece with the tongs tha other night. In Ins efforts to do so he tilted it into the fender. "Josiah," screamed Mrs. S i, you've done for the clock at last." "Yesh, my dear!" hiccoughed Scrimswig, with a pleasant beam. "J thinksn it has come to an untimely endsh. She turned a deadly greenish-white, and made for him. Do you blame her? The police didn't when they were called in. HARD ON THE BOYS. BOB MASHERBY How do you like our new hats Cousin Hilda ? Bather snappy and swagger, ain t, they ? Had 'em built specially for us, dot t you know ? Cost two guineas apiece. 'Pon my soul thCoDsiN HILDA Yes, they certainly are rather snappy and swagger, and you both look very charming in them. Hut don't you think it rather a waste of good stuff to put four guineas worth of arrangements in silk over four farthings worth of brains? Yet, after all, what can one expect from boys with "tiles" loose JACK MASHERBY: Come, hang it all! You re precious rough, Hilda. Our tiles ain't loose. Draw it mild. From Moonshine." THE choir at Salisbury has retired in a body, with the mumps. They seem to be quite a swe.l lot these Salisbury choristers. THE salary of Mr. "leader" of the un- employed, is L3 10s. per week. It is paid every Saturday night at the "pub," not a hundred miles from Fleet-street; THERa has been a burglary at Madame Patti's I Welsti Castle. In spite of the suspicion justified by the historic allegation, "Taffy was a Welsh- man Tllffy was a thief," the burglars are believed to be of English abstraction—extraction, we should say. "THR UNEMPLOYED." WORKING MAN: 'Ullo, mate; been to the re- view ? LOAFER Wot review ? WORKING MAN: Why, the sham fight in Hyde Park. TBIf CROFfER AT SEA. (Donald Ferguson and Kenneth Mackay, two crofters, living far inland, visited the "Shannal Fleet," and afterwards thus comment:—) DONALD FERGUSON: Yon's a big shup, Kenneth, we were on the day; but I didna see the man-o'- war bimsel'! KENNETH MACKAY: No, nor me. P'raps ho was doon in some grand place below, where they wudna allow us for to go. DONALD FJSEOUSON Och, yus, that will be the way. I suppose he will no come up axcept when there will be war; or when the Queen hersel' will be on board, for they tell me it is one o' her Majesty's vessels. From "Judy." QUITE FAIR.-Advice to the Clerk of the Weather on rainy days: Dry up WELL, OF ALL WHY is a dress-improver like an historical romance ? Why, because it's fiction founded on fact Very solemn fact, sometimes. How dare you, sir! OUR GUESTS. (On the way down to dinner.) OLD SOLDIER: You've dined here before, of course, my dear Mrs. Macampaigner. Now, what ought one to avoid ? MRS. MAC: All the entrées !-Hut, chut! Our hostess is close behind us. More anon. JUBILEE CONUNDRUM. What are the differences between a carpenter who is manufacturing a box, a confectioner prepar- ing a wedding feast, and a child concocting mud pies ?-The first is making a case, the second making a cake, and the third oking a mess. WATERLOODICBOUS MISTAKE. VETERAN: Yes Madam, I was on the field of Waterloo, and was charged by the French. LADY: Oh I supppose you went, like we did,in the omnibus from Brussels. Yes, they charged us, too. Ten francs I think it Was. (The Major is convinced that &U women are fools.) HE AND SHE. He (poetical) Why do the roses wither, Why do the sunflowers fade, Living in the sun's rich splendour, Dying in the cold night shade i She (unpoetical) Ask not why the sweet flowers perish, Ask not why the dear tilings die Rather ask me to have some supper, Or I'll rapidly say good bye-bye. [And she did. MORE NAUTICAL KNOTS. (Specially Unravelled for the Use of Schools.) It does not necessarily follow that the British Navy Is in a bad condition because a good part of it is "all in the iJowns." Cards are not allowed on board ship, but you may look on at the porpoises gambolling. N.B.— This order is given on porpoise to prevent high play. You are not allowed to talk to the man at the wheel, although the ship may answer her helm. It does not follow, as a matter of course, that a ship is out of her course because she is all at sea." The navigating lieutenant is allowed to box the compass," but lie is not allowed to punch the cap- tain's head: A Jack Tar is not so called because he gets pitched about a good deal. A ship may possess many barnacles, but it does not necessarily follow that she i3 short-sighted. The crew of a vessel are not allowed to play at games of chance, although the ship herself may have a fine game of pitch and toss.

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